Years ago, on the evening of March 8, I danced at an event dedicated to the balance between male and female energies. We were healing the wounds of the past between male-female relationships that are sown in our bodies and lives.
The dance experience turned out to be unique and inspiring. I danced alone, in pairs, with men, with women, in a group… I felt all parts of my body, how they beat, how they react, how they enjoy the rhythms … Most of the memories remain in the fog, only joyful feelings remain – with the exception of three (when I feel something important happening) parts.
In the first one, I danced with the cute legs of a man who strongly reminded me of a participant in a Slovenian language course, a former champion of his country in Latin American dances. We were spinning now in one direction, now in the other… back and forth, steadily all the time… Predictable… soon anxiously repetitive.
Fortunately, in this dancing environment, you can change the circumstances of the experience yourself at any time. I thanked my fellow dancer and, danced in freedom on my own for a few more minutes.
Until I ran into a slightly older acquaintance and invited him to play a game of dance. When I danced up to him, he first pushed me away with a conveniently large belly, which surprised me, made me laugh, but also ignited a spark of determination… Ok, so let’s see… And there was everything… pursuing, leading, running, fleeing, pushing, leaving, and reconciling … Fun for a while, until I had enough of this exhausting and constantly changing energy, said gratefully goodbye again, and danced alone – again.
However, the rest in seclusion did not last long. First, the glow of the full moon through the window drew my body to share some deep, sensual movements with her. I spent the last part in a still state and ended the dance in a loving (self-)embrace on the floor. When I looked around to see if anyone could help me get up, the creator/presenter of the event and the first co-dancer immediately came to the rescue.
I am very grateful to them and everyone involved for their support at the time, but in the years that followed, I slowly began to give up this kind of help.
The next dance event, where we were invited to dance, play, and chase in pairs, took place on a Sunday morning – outdoors, overlooking the mountains, along meadows and a fence with horses, with the ringing of church bells… This time, I didn’t accept the invitation to chase but suggested to my fellow dancer to continue what we started. Together, we walked proudly across the dance floor while he flapped his arms, which reminded me of ducklings – my first dance -, 🙂 I, on the other hand, gave in to the impulse to imitate the pigeon’s walk (the pigeon’s wiggling its head forward). And we had a lot of fun. Two different ‘birds’ equally, at the same time apart and together, resolutely but genuinely, lovingly, playfully, and smilingly, we set fire in the dance floor … And … we owned the place … 🙂
Which turned out to be the right path for me. But just like countless people and countless animals, there are also countless dances and countless paths to balance…
During Covid-time, I wrote the first draft of this writing and sent it to the practitioner of these dance events but he wanted me to change certain things and send the writing to him for approval before publishing. Control! Censorship! It rang in my head and in the unhealed heart wound of a woman, and instead of changing and validating it, I gave up its events and dancing in public. Today I understand that I was not ready yet, and what I want to share is also different in many ways from the draft back then, which I am now changing on my own desire and initiative. So he stopped me rightly and I’m grateful to him for that. Also, if he wants to expose himself publicly, it’s up to him and not me…
The striking resemblance of the first dancer to the Slovene language student was probably not accidental. Although leading these courses allowed me to be ‘independent and self-reliant’ (I suspect the words are an illusion, because on some level we are all connected, i.e. interdependent and non-self-reliant – can you live without oxygen?) and taught me sovereignty, 10 years of ‘repetitive dancing’ was enough.
With another dancer, who first pushed me off with his belly, we later had a brief romance that I would call “love in three days.” On the first day, I would sum up the action with: Oh, how beautiful!, on the second day: Oook, what is this? That won’t work!, day three: OH MY GOD! and the fourth morning: Thank you very much and goodbye.
What went ‘wrong’, I couldn’t even define at the time, because apparently, he did everything ‘right’. Four years later, it’s clear to me why the old ways of relationships don’t work anymore. I didn’t come into this world just to follow my man, to just listen, just watch, just admire, just applaud, just to learn… We are here to co-create, together, equally, respecting and taking into account both our own virtues and strengths as well as the abilities of our ‘other’.
First, my attention in the library was drawn to the book Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle. This one speaks of infidelity, betrayal, as well as redemption. If a woman can’t/doesn’t want to give herself completely to a man, usually the ‘problem’ isn’t solely on her side. If she doesn’t feel safe (even though we don’t understand, women feel everything that’s going on inside of her man), the relationship can’t be solved on one side alone. Which is what I was the only one striving for in my former relationships. I realized that, like men in other bodies, I, like the author, take refuge in my mind… But this realization has not yet clarified the whole picture…
After seven years of being single, in which I tried to understand and accept myself, as well as the many damaged men that the universe had served me, I stumbled upon another piece of this painful puzzle.
During a volunteer but secluded wintering in a wooden cottage above the snowy Dolenjska landscape, a podcast with Alison A. Armstrong convinced me to buy her e-book, The Queen’s Code. And a new world opened up…
This says the presentation on amazon:
– The long-standing war between the sexes is the stuff of legend. In TV ads, sitcoms and chick flicks everywhere, we’ve all seen the images—the long suffering woman and the clueless, insensitive man. But what if it’s all a misunderstanding? In this fairy tale for the contemporary woman, Kimberlee seeks advice and discovers a treasure chest of esoteric knowledge hidden within her own family. As she unravels the mysteries of men’s behavior in this romantic journey, so will you. As she learns the Language of Heroes, and transforms how she relates to men, so will you. Whether you’re in love with men or frustrated by them—or both—The Queen’s Code creates a new ethic and approach for interacting with men in a way that honors both sexes. From eight distinct points-of-view, you’ll get an intimate look inside the hearts and minds of both men and women as we struggle to understand ourselves and each other.
On the author’s website:
Did you know that the words that most motivate men to take action are the same words that women avoid the most?
That what is naturally best in women often brings out the worst in men?
That most women unconsciously cause men to treat them the opposite of what most women really want?
Competition instead of nurturing.
Fear instead of trust.
Being treated with contempt instead of respect.
Keeping a distance instead of seeking emotional intimacy.
In the book, I was initially surprised by how women view men as ‘hairy women who misbehave’, and I was aware of the misunderstanding between the sexes on both sides. This, in turn, leads to resentment, bitterness…
“Women are instinctively motivated by perfection and the need to perceive ourselves as perfect enough to be pleasant — and therefore protected and cared for…
When women can’t get what they need — no matter how much they change — it hurts a lot. They react to pain with anger. If the wound does not heal, anger turns into resentment. Accumulated resentment makes a woman bitter…”
Among the many ‘gifts’ of society, women have also received the power of ‘Frog farming’, as the author calls it. That is, the ability to turn a prince into a frog with your attitude – and not the other way around, as fairy tales teach.
“Over time, when a man is castrated in a relationship, in a family, in an organization — even in society — he’s going to react to women in a way that’s contrary to his nature. One of his initial reactions will be to keep his distance instead of seeking intimacy.“
A handy example of how society and my ex-mother-in-law ‘castrated’ our relationship was brought to me by my ex-partner. According to my own expectations and also the findings of the author, who studied men for several decades before the book was written, the essence of masculinity is providing (for something).
“Since providing is in the heart of a man, the word to provide aligns with their essence. All they focus on is to provide something for someone. And when they do, they become heroes to some extent.”
But in my 5-year relationship, for a period of time, I took care of the rent and most of the costs of living together on my own by teaching at an elementary school, while my ‘partner’ (actually a 35-years old boyfriend) devoted all his energy to setting up his own business. Among other things, he came home from a visit to his parents with a bag full of branded clothes for himself. I expected at least a bag of food for both of us so that I could afford at least the cheapest shoes for myself. So, the Calvin Klein boxers in this case were the start of the end of our relationship, because I had no desire to take them off him.
Little did I know at the time that: “The composition of the male brain causes them to focus on only one result. They commit themselves to achieving this result and eliminate everything that is irrelevant to this result. Which is actually the opposite of a woman’s brain…” Among other things, my mother-in-law at that time paid off his debts with a loan, and we ended our relationship as soon as he got his first major order. So he probably became a hero, only not in my eyes but in his mother’s…
The disclosure of another method of castration was brought by the next partner. After working all day in the company of his father, a retired teacher, when nothing was good enough and all the improvements needed, he vented his frustration over the way I hung up the laundry. Before drowning out his pain with bottles of beer…
So The Queen’s Code is an extremely instructive read for both men and those women who are ready to ‘drop their sword’.
I was also delighted by the author’s belief that the old relationships had done their job, and it was time for a dance of receiving-giving on both sides -with understanding, equally, and hand in hand. So basically the way we danced with a stranger as a ‘dove’ and a ‘duckling’.
If you may be wondering, why do you need all of this?
On Tara’s 2nd birthday, which took place the day before I wrote this blog, I took my resentment towards men into a labyrinth by river Rižana. When I got to the center, I felt: You’re not just doing this for yourself, you’re also doing this for others, for your family, for the whole world…
At night, another realization came. Before I stepped into the labyrinth, an unknown woman danced in the center of it, so slightly annoyed, because I don’t like waiting, I went to Rižana river first. There, Tara jumped inside and soaked me with a shake, but we didn’t stay long enough, we had to go for a short walk also. At night, it became clear to me that the place didn’t just become available after my ‘marking the bushes’. 🙂 By the dancing of this woman, and by the actions of many before her, it was above all prepared and purified. Everything has its purpose, as well as the right place and time…
